Convincing Her You Were a Gentleman: A deep, personal reflection on why you’re single
Letting You Sit at the Same Table as Her: A formal apology to all women you’ve dated before
Not Exposing You to the Entire Internet: A generous gift you should be grateful for
Payment is due IMMEDIATELY. Failure to comply may result in public humiliation. Cheers!
“This is perfect,” I texted him. “Send it!”
“Forwarded!” He replied a moment later.
For illustrative purpose only
Not long afterward, my phone drunk a series of progressively angry messages from Eric.
“Wow, really mature.”
“I was just trying to set realistic expectations; not everyone is rich.”
“Chris is a terrible friend.”
“You just missed out on a GREAT guy.”
I didn’t bother engaging. What was there to say to someone who thought human connection worked on a transaction basis? I just sent him a thumbs-up emoji and blocked his number.
Mia called me later that night, still giggling about the entire thing.
“I’m very sorry,” she said. “I honestly thought he was normal. Chris didn’t realize he was like this either.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said, surprising myself with how relaxed I felt. “We all got a great story out of it, at least.”
“True,” she agreed. “This is officially going to be told at every party for the next decade.”
The whole event taught me one golden rule about dating: if a guy insists on paying, make sure he doesn’t send you an invoice later.
What about the keychain, though? I kept it. Not because it reminded me of Eric, but because it was a humorous memento from the most unusual date of my life.
